We live in a time of widespread disagreement. This is not automatically a bad thing. You can disagree with someone while and still promote understanding of your mutual stories or experiences. You can do this without surrendering your own opinions or experiences.
Unfortunately, many people become defensive during a disagreement. They fear their position or stance would be compromised if they admit to understanding the opposing viewpoint. Whether it engaged in a political debate or a marital spat, many people feel it would be a sign of weakness to validate their “opponent.”
Yet, when we strive to understand regardless of agreement, scoring verbal points and winning are no longer the primary conversational goals. Mutual learning and growth are allowed into the connection.
Let’s discuss this further:
Start With a Premise to Promote Understanding
Are you struggling to communicate with friends, lovers, co-workers, or different ideological groups? Whoever is having a conflict, the main premise we’re working from is that both sides want to move through the disagreement. That said, let’s move along to some basics:
- You do not have to accept the efficacy of someone’s point in order to understand it
- You don’t have to agree with a person in order to understand them
- Two (or more) views can co-exist without invalidating the other(s)
- Accepting the above three basics creates space for mutual respect
The primary difference between agreement and understanding? Two people can respect and love each other despite disagreeing on some issues. This is possible when the work is done to understand and validate the other’s point of view.
Stepping Into a Place of Full Understanding
In many arguments, the stakes can feel high. It can make you feel vulnerable to let the other person know you understand their point of view. You may fear this admission will be exploited. However, to step into a place of understanding, you must take risks. Doing so will bring you the following rewards:
- Ugly fights are avoided
- Conversations become less competitive
- Feeling heard and appreciated is the baseline
- Black-and-white thinking diminishes
- Nuance is embraced and explored
- Expanded horizons result from learning from your “opponent”
More Than Just “Agreeing to Disagree”
Most times, when someone says “we’ll have to agree to disagree,” it’s a conversation stopper. It can devalue the conversation itself if there is no attempt to hear each other out respectfully. The goal of most discussions (certain negotiations aside) should not be about converting the other and ending in agreement. The “goal,” as it were, is the discussion itself. The respectful exchange of opinions and ideas without trying to control one another is most important to the health of the relationship.
So, you can definitely “agree to disagree,” but that agreement should be the start of another discussion to promote understanding. The follow-up conversation will be about working to learn how and why you see things differently. In that interaction, there will be opportunities to learn something new. You can also do the introspective work of revisiting your own views and how you developed them in the first place!
Promote Understanding Whether You Agree or Not
There will be countless opportunities to practice healthy conflict resolution. Discord seems to be the new norm. Running parallel to this tendency is the reality that all relationships involve disagreement. Regardless of where the quarrel exists, there are steps you can take to foster understanding:
- Always point out where you do agree and why
- It’s okay to ethically try persuading someone
- Resist attempts to dominate or manipulate
- Check your tone, vocal inflections, body language, and facial expressions
- Step out of your comfort zone to really consider an opposing viewpoint
Compassion and understanding may not be easy tasks when you feel passionate about your own point of view. Yet, working through your feelings to really connect with another person is worth the risk and effort. Learn and practice the necessary communication tools to enhance your relationships with a counselor. This can go a long way to promote understanding and smooth out disagreements. We’re here to help, read more about relationship counseling and contact us for a consultation soon.
