It’s no fun to feel as if you’re being pulled in too many directions. This discomfort is amplified when it is different sets of loved ones who need your attention and focus. You might say it’s the definition of feeling “torn.” Case in point: You’re married but one of your parents has passed away and the other is aging.
How in the world can you balance their needs? When in the world can you even contemplate your own needs? This scenario, however, is not rare. You can take solace in the reality that others before you have struggled, but eventually found ways to strike a healthy balance.
Many Unique Factors
It would be impossible to discuss a topic like this in a way that will specifically relate to all possible situations. Some of the many variables include:
- You and your partner are busy with parenting your own children
- Whether or not you have siblings who help you care for your parent
- Does your aging parent live relatively close? At home or in a facility?
- Perhaps your parent has moved in with you
- Your aging parent may have physical and/or cognitive limitations
- Either you or your spouse has your own health situations that require special attention
The variables abound but you get the idea by now. Any and all advice that is given here is meant to be shaped to your particular needs and circumstances.
6 Tips for Effective Caregiving and Couple Time
1. Refine Your Communication Skills
This will be your foundation. Trust your connections with both your parent and your partner and be as direct and honest as possible.
2. Schedule in Regular Check-In Conversations
Never assume any of the parties involved know what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling — and vice-versa. Talk about everything, regardless of how uncomfortable it might be.
3. Create a Support System
There is nothing “heroic” about doing it all yourself. If you have options for caregiving help like home health aides, make it happen. Talk to other family members and see who can pitch in. Talk to your parent to assess how much or how little they need at any time. Going it alone is not only counterproductive, but it’s also impossible.
4. Develop Psychological Flexibility
Learn to accept the unpredictability of this temporary chapter of your life. Don’t struggle against change. Instead, learn to flow and grow with it.
5. Plan (almost) Non-Negotiable Date Nights With Your Partner
Nothing can be carved-in-stone under the circumstances but make this plan a close as possible.
6. Practice Self-Care
Accepting that much this situation is out of your control makes it all the more important to handle what is in your control. For example, self-care. To bring out the best version of you, be sure to practice:
- Regular sleep patterns
- Daily exercise and activity
- Healthy eating habits
- Relaxation techniques
Consult an Objective Expert
One of the biggest challenges of the juggling act discussed here is that you may feel alone. Under duress, you’d normally lean on a partner or a parent. But this time, they are directly and indirectly playing a big role in the crisis. You need someone to talk with — someone who understands and has the experience to help. Enter a compassionate and experienced therapist.
You can choose to try counseling on your own. You may opt to commit to therapy with your partner. Either way, you will get valuable input and insight on the nuances of your current situation. You may discover ways in which you are aiding or hampering (or both) your own efforts. Whatever the specifics are, things will seem more doable when you are getting guidance from a trained professional.
