“Compare and despair” is what we call it when someone continually compares their achievements or characteristics to others. There is always someone who will seem “better” than you. Constant comparison can lead to feelings of disappointment and, ultimately, despair.
It might start with an episode or two. Eventually, it can escalate into something that devastates your mental health. Especially in the days of social media mania, most people compulsively scroll through their feeds. While they’re doing that, they’re wondering why they can’t be as good as someone else. This kind of jealousy inevitably fuels anxiety and can lead to depression.
Why We Compare
As devastating as this practice is, comparison is actually something deeply ingrained in our cognitive processes. Comparison is the reflection of similarities or differences between two or more objects, or in this case, people. Sometimes, it’s helpful and you can use it to inspire you. If you compare yourself to others and have any of the following thoughts, it could be a toxic behavior:
- Feeling like a failure when you see other people succeeding
- Feelings of jealousy motivated by someone else’s achievements
- Less time pursuing your goals because it won’t look like someone else’s success
Breaking the Cycle
Because this is such a deeply ingrained practice, it takes time to correct it. These strategies can help you break the cycle:
Define What Success Is For You
Evaluate what success means to you. Not what will make you impressive to others, but what makes you impressive to you! Some examples of ways you can measure success are:
- Number of people you impact
- Number of books you read in a year
- How you’ve progressed in your personal goals
- Your financial standing now as compared to before
The list is never-ending because everyone experiences the thrill of success in different aspects of our lives. Decide what makes you feel fulfilled. Use that as your measure of success, and celebrate others when they succeed in their measure.
When You’re Jealous, It’s Time for A Reality Check
Like most of our feelings, jealousy has its uses. Whenever you feel jealous, ask yourself why. Is it because this person is succeeding where you’ve lacked in the past? Is it because your parents wanted you to be a doctor and they’ve done that?
This inevitably leads back to the first tip. When you’re jealous, finding your “why” helps you challenge what you’re perceiving as success. If it’s not your measure, leave it be. If it is your measure, ask how you can use this to inspire you. Jealousy is only constructive if you make it work for you.
Progress, Not Perfection
Instead of comparing yourself to others, compare yourself to yourself. How are you doing with your goals now as opposed to last year? You’ve already decided what success looks like to you. So use this as an opportunity for self-reflection.
Think about where you’ve been. How far have you come since then? Respect the progress that you’ve made instead of dishonoring all of your hard work. When you compare your life to others, you’re invalidating the work you’ve put into your own goals. And another quick tidbit: Others are comparing themselves to you. You can be an inspiration too!
Identify Your Triggers
Identifying what triggers your compulsion to compare helps you limit your access to those triggers. If you’re scrolling through Instagram and realize you’re falling into the compare and despair cycle, it’s time to check in with yourself. Do you need to unfollow some accounts? Do you need to limit your access to social media?
If you have trouble identifying your triggers, a therapist can help you. The help of a professional therapist can play a huge role in your ability to break this self-defeating behavior. Identify what starts the cycle and then troubleshoot ways you can change the behavior. If you’re ready for change, please reach out, I can help.
