From an early age, we form attachments with the caregivers in our lives. The bonds that we form early on (or lack thereof) can affect how we handle relationships in the future. When you don’t have good and positive past attachments, it can negatively impact future attachments.
These are often referred to as attachment styles. While you can have a mix of attachment styles, typically, they can be categorized as the following:
- Secure
- Fearful-Avoidant
- Dismissive-Avoidant
- Anxious-Ambivalent
- Anxious-Avoidant
Attachment styles dictate your approach to family and platonic relationships but also affect your romantic life as well. Keep in mind that no attachment style is more right than any other. But, depending on your style, it could impact your relationships with partners in a negative way. Let’s dive into how an anxious attachment style can affect romantic relationships.
The Affect Of Anxious Attachment Styles On Romantic Relationships
What Causes Anxious Attachment Styles?
Generally, anxious attachments are formed when you had caregivers growing up who were:
- Unpredictable
- Insensitive
- Indifferent
- Inconsistent
What Are The Different Types Of Anxious Attachment Styles?
Anxious-Avoidant
You may have an avoidant style if you are an adult who tends to be defensive but conceals these feelings. This is a coping mechanism that helps avoid rejection.
Anxious-Ambivalent
This style begins when a child tries to express how they feel but becomes agitated when doing so. The caregiver will then respond by acting irritated. Once the caregiver does pay attention to them, the child will often find it difficult to be more independent from the caregiver. They desire emotional connection but lack self-confidence, worrying others won’t like them or want to be around them.
How Do Anxious Attachment Styles Affect Relationships?
Every relationship can be challenging, with its own ups and downs. Each partner brings with them past baggage and styles that can worsen issues in relationships. Typically, anxious attachment styles can affect a relationship in four main ways.
1. Needing Constant Reassurance
After every fight, big or small, the anxious partner will need reassurance. Those with the anxious style will see every small altercation or setback as catastrophic. So they will need reassurance more often than other types of style. It’s not only about the situation that started the argument—but the implications and assumptions surrounding it.
2. They Can’t Be Ignored
We live in a world where we are constantly connected. When someone with the anxious style is left on read or not replied to right away, they may begin to panic, counting down the minutes until they hear back from you.
3. They Crave Consistency
In a relationship or dating, some people may just want to have spontaneity every once in a while. It keeps things interesting, after all. However, this is a no-go for the partner with an anxious attachment style. Change is often the last thing an anxious partner will want, so they won’t try to stray from the beaten path.
4. Communication Is Crucial
In any relationship, communication between two partners is important. However, it is especially true for the partner who needs constant reassurance about the validity of the relationship. While some may find this too much in a relationship, it can be good overall because there will always be communication going on to reassure the anxious partner.
In any relationship, it’s all about balance. If you are the anxious partner, you may wonder how to make things easier for your partner. If you are the other partner, you might wonder what you can do to help them. Sometimes, the best way forward to learn to heal from our attachment styles is through counseling. Marriage counseling can help both partners meet each other’s needs in a way that honors both of their histories.
Reach out to learn more about how I can help you learn to balance each other’s needs and attachment styles for a healthier relationship with couples counseling.
