If you want to succeed in dating you need to be able to make conscious, informed decisions about who you’re willing to go out with, get to know, and possibly become emotionally and physically involved with.

You want to be open to different types of people, yes; but it’s crucial to have a clear sense of the most basic and nonnegotiable requirements about who you will date and who you won’t.

I suggest the following two-part exercise to the people I with work with, women and men alike. It’s applicable to everyone – whether the goal is dating for fun or looking for marriage or remarriage after a divorce or the
death of a spouse.

Do We Have a Go?

The first part of the exercise is to prescreen your potential dates to make sure they at least meet minimal standards before you consider going further. I don’t mean a checklist of blunt questions, but rather gathering information by means of artful conversation.

Here are the basic criteria I suggest; feel free to add your own, e.g., religious preference, if you wish.

•Married is strictly off limits
•No income is a no-go
•If they haven’t completely broken off their last relationship they’re not really there for you

These requirements may seem obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people decide to get involved with someone who has commitment issues or who is otherwise unavailable.

Pay attention to the responses you receive and to your own instinctive reactions from the very beginning and at every step along the way. We all profit when we pay attention to reality.

What You Want In a Relationship

Wants are about your passions and your interests, the lifestyle preferences that make things interesting and fun: music, travel, Northern Italian food, science fiction movies, Haruki Murakami.

If things get more serious, you will discuss children, income, where to live, and other vital issues. These are the adult conversations that protect us from unpleasant surprises later on.

Scientific research tells us that the more we have in common with people, the more compatible we tend to be. While I definitely concur, I urge you to seek to enrich your life by remaining open-minded, flexible, and available to new experiences.

A Vision of Your Future

What you are doing here is creating a living document that describes the kind of person you want to spend time with, perhaps your entire life.

Keep it fresh. Update it as you find yourself changing and growing. Keep it close at hand and consult it often. And what if you complete this exercise only to discover that the person with whom you are already involved doesn’t match the person you have described?

There’s help ahead in Vol. 1, No.3.