You’re pouring out your heart to a friend. But somehow you’re getting the idea that he’s not really listening to you. Hmm. Why would that be?
Let’s see.
His eyes keep wandering.
He fidgets. Cracks his knuckles a few times.
Then his phone bleeps. A text message. He glances at it.
When his eyes come back to you, it seems as though his gaze is staring straight through you, somewhere off daydreaming.
You stop talking. What’s the use?
He has absolutely no interest in what you’re saying!
Situations like this can be highly frustrating. It’s no lie that most of us have a lot of room for improvement when it comes to listening. We know some of the basics, like trying to maintain eye contact, but are we truly good listeners?
What else can we do to improve our listening skills? Here are some steps to help:
Eliminate Distractions
First off, if you’re not willing to get rid of the distractions – like TV, music, telephone, computer, or any other activity you’re currently involved with – it might not be a good time to listen to someone. A setting where the listener is distracted only causes frustration and annoyance for the speaker.
It’s important and respectful to be fully present when listening to another person. Full attention means not just hearing the words they say, but also observing their body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.
View Listening as a Learning Opportunity
When you view the speaker’s words as having the potential to teach you something – about him or herself or the current subject matter – you automatically pay more attention. Be open to the speaker’s thoughts, feelings, and ideas, without feeling the need to defend your own way of seeing the world.
Don’t Prejudge
A good listener listens to and appraises what the speaker says only after they’ve heard it all. When you jump to conclusions before listening, you end up closing your mind. That’s not a good thing, especially when the speaker might be hard to listen to, has a thick accent, uses a lot of big words, or speaks super fast or agonizingly slow.
Listen with Empathy
Empathy is the ability to appreciate the other person’s point of view and feelings, whether you agree with them or not. The speaker’s words are important to them. Make them important to you as well. Really try to make a concerted effort to understand them. Consider where the speaker is coming from, what struggles he or she might have, what things are wanted or needed, and how you could possibly help this person.
Practice Active Listening
It gets so much easier to focus completely on another person’s words when you’re not concerned about your own response. Practice giving feedback about what you heard, mention key points of the conversation, or ask for clarification of things you didn’t quite understand. Sometimes you just can’t catch every point, but at least you made an honest effort.
Be Aware of Your Body Language
Your mannerisms can say a lot about your interest in the person you’re listening to. When you consistently glance sideways, sigh often or yawn, cross your arms over your chest, or fidget with other things, it sends the unmistakable message that you have zero interest in what the speaker is saying. That kills a conversation.
A word of caution. You don’t want to come across as artificial. So, apply your newly improved listening skills with moderation. Don’t stare, don’t look like a bobble head doll when nodding, and don’t make exaggerated facial expressions.
Remember, a good listener knows that listening is as powerful as speaking. He or she realizes that good listening skills create fewer misunderstandings and that listening to others is absolutely worthwhile.
