Imagine that you and your partner are in the woods.

But instead of walking side-by-side down the same trail together you are both separated.

You are trying to find each other as a thick fog rolls in. You step blindly ahead, grasping at what you hope is your partner. Not surprisingly, you may both be frustrated, angry, and even scared.

Now imagine yourselves together in your home instead of the forest.

While you are not physically lost, you still can’t find each other, can’t make a connection, and can’t communicate effectively.

That’s where couples counseling comes in. It can help when there is communication breakdown in relationships.

And it can help you find your way back to each other, too. Here’s how.

1. Using Active Listening to Communicate

When it comes to communication, half of the process is simply listening. Active listening is one way couples can get back on track when there is a communication breakdown in their relationship, as one or both simply stopped listening.

Active listening requires four key components:

  • Refraining from judging the speaker
  • Staying quiet so the other person may talk freely
  • Not being distracted
  • Using nonverbal actions to communicate you are present

2. Employing the Active Constructive Responding Model

This model has four categories of communication. These are: constructive, destructive, active, passive. As you can see, these are either positive or negative ways of communicating.

When responding to these forms of communication you can either be:

  • Nurturing
  • Cold
  • Ignorant
  • Hurtful

Why is this model helpful? It allows you to categorize how you and your partner not only communicate but also respond to communication.

For example, if both of you communicate in a way that is constructive and nurturing, then that is considered “Active Constructive” communication. On the other hand, communicating in a destructive and hurtful way is considered “Active Destructive” communication.

3. Avoiding Thought Traps

Thought traps occur when you mentally respond to a situation in a negative way. These traps only cause you more problems and don’t help you cope effectively with the situation.

For example, some thought traps are:

  • Catastrophizing – When you blow-up a situation to make it worse than what it really is.
  • Black and White Thinking – Also known as all-or-nothing thinking, making it harder for you to find middle ground with your partner.
  • Emotional Reasoning – When you have an emotion and believe that it is proof of a truth while the actual facts say otherwise.

If you find yourself in these thought traps, they can cause a real communication breakdown between you and others, even if it seems to be just your thinking that is involved.

4. Recognizing Defensiveness

A sure-fire way to damage a relationship is defensiveness. You may even know when you get defensive. Your heart beats faster and your speech becomes more rapid. Instead of listening to your partner, you automatically discount what they have to say.

It’s impossible for you to actually sit with any uncomfortable feelings you have. That’s because they just remind you how “bad” you feel and you need to push them away, back onto your partner.

5. Preventing Over-Communication

Believe it or not, it’s possible to over-communicate with your partner!

Technology has made it possible to be in touch all day, every day. However, taking some space from each other is also helpful. It allows you time to reflect and gather your thoughts. Remember, though, make sure important discussions happen face-to-face, not via text.

What Couples Counseling Can Do

Couples counseling can really help when there is a communication breakdown in relationships. A counselor will be able to highlight such issues as defensiveness or thought-traps and help you recognize the underlying pattern. At the same time, you both can learn tools that will make you more effective communicators.

When communication breakdown in relationships occurs it’s not the end of the world. Contact me. I’d be delighted to help you both improve your communication and find greater satisfaction as a couple.