There’s a lot of soul-searching that goes on after an affair for both partners.
Many questions pop up. Where do we go from here? How can we prevent this from ever happening again?
If you are sorting out issues with your partner, then it’s important for both of you to understand the lessons learned.
An affair rocks any relationship to its very core. There are feelings of mistrust and betrayal. And so, if both of you are committed to preserving the relationship, then it’s important you each learn what you can from the experience.
Consider these four lessons that every couple should learn after an affair.
1. Uncover the Real Problem
The affair in and of itself is a problem. However, it is usually reflective of much deeper issues.
For example:
- Boredom
- Lack of intimacy
- Being micromanaged
- Not feeling heard
- Resentment
It’s important that each partner does some careful introspection. What is the baggage that you each carry that may have led to this moment? Even if it was your partner that was responsible for the cheating, you still had a part to play in the relationship.
2. Clarify Your Needs
Ask yourself what you need after an affair. For example, perhaps you need space from your partner, and everyone else, to reflect and get a handle on things. Or you may need to express your feelings about the issue.
Whatever your needs are, if possible, clarify them exactly both to yourself and your partner. Remember it’s okay to say that you have needs that need to be met. Don’t allow your partner to discount them or brush them aside as irrelevant.
3. Define Your Feelings
After an affair, you will have a lot of feelings about what happened. It’s important that you define those emotions and get to the root emotion. This is true not just for your feeling revolving around the affair itself. You also need to understand your emotions in the time frame leading up to the betrayal.
For instance, what have your feelings been towards your partner over the last few months? These could fall within a range from indifference on one end to anger on the other. Why were you having these feelings?
It’s these emotions that contribute to the situation you are both now in after the affair. Thus, it’s important that you each own your emotions and acknowledge them.
4. Connecting Your Values to Your Relationship
Finally, after an affair, think about your values. Are they being represented in the relationship? Of course, it’s not possible to have every one of your values be taken into account every minute of the day. Yet, your relationship overall ought to be affirming towards your values.
That’s because your values are what keeps you grounded. They inform how you make decisions about the path you take in life. Even after an affair, it’s important to consider whether your relationship, in the past, aligned with your values.
Also, do you believe that your relationship can continue to reflect those values in the future, even after the affair?
Looking for Answers to Difficult Questions
Clearly, it can be hard after an affair to look back and consider the lessons learned. After all, this is a very painful time for you both. All of the points above contain very difficult questions to consider. Yet, if you each wish to continue the relationship, sorting things out individually and together will be necessary.
Right now your relationship is experiencing a crisis. Therefore, it’s helpful to have professional support as you and your partner go through this process.
If nothing else, a counselor will be a sounding board and be able to provide perspective. You both need someone who can help you keep your bearings as you navigate perhaps the most challenging time in your relationship.
Participating in couples counseling won’t make the past disappear. However, it will be helpful for processing both what and why it happened. Please, contact me. I would be delighted to be your guide through this process.
