One of the most wonderful things about being in a serious, committed relationship is having someone who knows more about you than anyone and who cares for you deeply. When infidelity enters into a marriage, all the things you value about your relationship come into question.

Learning that you’ve been cheated on is usually accompanied by intense feelings of bewilderment, anger, fear, and sadness. It hurts to think of the “other person” who knows intimate details about your partner and your marriage. It hurts to feel deceived.

The discovery that your partner has physically or emotionally cheated rocks the basic foundation of any marriage: trust. Even an infidelity limited to text messages and emails violates the major expectations that come with intimacy, like mutual respect and honesty. Rebuilding trust requires healing.

The good news is that marriages can survive in the aftermath of an affair. Because the journey toward a stronger relationship is difficult and hard for both partners, going to couples counseling can really help.

Why is trust so important?

If you’ve cheated, you might have rationalized your behavior by telling yourself that your spouse would never find out. An affair can make you feel attractive and wanted. In truth, you’re choosing to allow someone other than your spouse to meet your emotional needs. Cheating pollutes the atmosphere of clarity and trust between you and your partner; making your partner feel safe again will take time.

How can couples counseling help you rebuild?

1. It helps to have someone walk you through such a difficult process.

A therapist can help you and your spouse talk about what you’re feeling in a way that’s safe and fair. A therapist can also help you begin to understand why you really strayed outside your marriage. Although infidelity is a choice, regardless of preexisting problems in your relationship, talking to a professional can help you work together as a team to figure out what else might have been going wrong.

Your partner will likely have many questions; in couples counseling you’ll be encouraged to answer them honestly and patiently. Being open about what happened is the first step toward rebuilding trust with your partner.

2. It helps to open up lines of communication in your marriage.

In the months following an infidelity you will have a lot to work through as a couple. Rebuilding a relationship isn’t a one-person job. In counseling you can share what you both need from each other in order for your marriage to work. Telling your partner how you really feel in your marriage is important to rebuilding trust in a lasting way.

If you were unfaithful, your partner likely feels rejected and shamed. By going together to couples counseling you can begin to prove again how much your partner really means to you and how committed you are to fixing your relationship. Physical intimacy after an affair can be difficult; talking together about what you’re struggling with in the bedroom is an important step.

3. Counseling helps keep the discussion where it needs to be—between you and your spouse.

Getting over an affair takes more than forgiveness; rebuilding trust is a process. Often, when a marriage is in trouble, it’s tempting to unload your feelings on friends and family members. Bringing others into the conflict isn’t always a good idea—if you’re working through things with other people rather than with your spouse, the trust you share together suffers another blow.

For someone who has been cheated on, moving on can mean taking big emotional steps forward and big steps back. Being patient and strong throughout the process will show your partner you really mean it when you say you’re committed.