Scenario: You have completed the needs and wants exercise in Vol. 1,
No. 2 and you realize that a person you’re already interested in or involved with falls short of the man or woman you described. What now?

Hopefully, they don’t fall too short, and candid, on-going communication about the situation will suffice.

But what if your conclusion is not clear-cut? The following list will help. These are common behaviors we often try to ignore. This is a mistake, because in the best case you are probably being treated with disregard and in the worst case you are in danger.

It’s a Red Flag If the Person You’re Dating:

• Lies a lot
• Frightens you or makes you uncomfortable
• Blames you or others for anything that goes wrong
• Frequently gives you the silent treatment or withdraws when you try to discuss problems
• Won’t allow you to make your own decisions
• Doesn’t get it that “no” is a complete sentence
• Always has excuses for coming late
• Is suspicious about where you’ve been or with whom you’ve spent time
• Puts you down and belittles your thoughts and opinions
• Seems distracted, instead of paying attention to you
• Uses guilt to manipulate your feelings
• Initially tells you they aren’t married, then you find out they are
• Evades telling you where or with whom they spend time
• Is addicted to drugs, pornography, or Internet chat rooms
• Has serious lapses of attention, forgetting birthdays or other special occasions
• Is preoccupied with their own needs
• Doesn’t return communication; instead offers lame excuses
• Seems bothered every time you call or make a request
• Is rude to you or other people
• Chronically speaks badly about you or other people
• Is physically or verbally abusive, even if it happens only one time and even if they apologize or say they’re “just kidding”
• Shows up unexpectedly at your place of work, when you’re leaving a doctor’s appointment, etc.
• Engages in shady or criminal behavior
• Depends on you to do all the planning or paying for any activities you do together
• Can’t keep a job or has a history of employment difficulties

It’s also a red flag if your friends or family if they tell you they think you shouldn’t be dating the person or that they’re worried about you. You may be annoyed or insulted, but they are probably conscious of something you are having trouble seeing. Pay attention.

If you’re still unsure or if you’re counting on the person to “get” how much they’re hurting you and change their ways (more on this in a coming issue), seek the advice of a trusted, impartial person to help you sort through what options are available to you.

When you are ready, take action, whether that means a conversation or a compromise or something more drastic and whether it is something you can implement now or something you must plan for the future.