Communication styles are an interesting topic to discuss. It’s not uncommon to find ourselves partnered with someone with the complete opposite communication style. Unfortunately, this makes relationships more difficult to navigate. There is nothing wrong with having a different communication style than your partner; you just need to learn what works best for your relationship.

Communication is the foundation of every relationship, but what happens if your partner wants to avoid it entirely? This can be a frustrating experience for both partners. After all, you know that communication is vital, but it seems as if your partner couldn’t care less about it.

Here are some do’s and don’ts of communicating with an avoidant partner.

What Is Being Avoidant?

Avoidant styles of communication often stem from childhood. Having dismissive or distant caregivers can influence someone to develop this communication style. Avoidant partners might showcase this style of communication by:

  • Never fully trusting other people.
  • Not wanting anyone to rely on them.
  • Not wanting to rely on other people.
  • Secretive
  • Withdrawing from other people when they crave emotional intimacy.
  • Not understanding the importance of being open with a partner or why certain things are a big deal.
  • Avoids confrontation or deep subjects at all costs.

Communication Tips When Your Partner Is Avoidant

Know That Trust Takes Time

Unless someone is completely closed off from everyone, an avoidant partner can trust other people. It just takes more time. Whatever led them to not fully trust other people cannot be unlearned overnight. It’s hard for them to accept that the love other people have for them can be genuine.

Have patience with them, and don’t expect them to learn to trust you fully immediately.

Learn About Their Past

Since attachment styles often stem from childhood, you can try talking to them about their past. Ask them about the things from their past that were challenging to get through. Learn about the good things that happened, too.

But, on the same note, don’t become frustrated if they don’t become an open book at times. Even if you don’t understand what they went through, ensure that they feel validated and heard about their experiences and feelings.

photo of a couple on a date at a coffee shop with only their hands and coffee cups showing in the pictureDon’t Spring Conversations On Them

You know that you have to bring something up. As tempting as it is to start talking about it, you might want to change your approach. Let them know that you want to talk about a certain topic at some point. This can help them not feel blindsided by the conversation and help them formulate their thoughts around the topic generally.

Compromise

Relationships aren’t always 50/50. Sometimes, you can’t reach a point where things feel even for both of you. While learning how to communicate with them is important, they should be willing to do the same for you.

Your needs and wants must be met in a relationship, too. When conversing with them, it’s important to understand your thoughts and emotions behind the topic. Understand what your deal-breakers are in a relationship as well as theirs.

Don’t Make Assumptions

When someone is avoidant, it can be easy to make assumptions and come to conclusions on your own. While these may be rightly justified, they aren’t always on point with what is going on. Maybe your partner has been especially evasive lately, and you can’t figure out why. Instead of assuming what is going on, broach the subject from a place of understanding and empathy with them.

“I’ve noticed that you seem more distant lately and don’t want to discuss things. Is everything okay? What’s going on?”

We shouldn’t assume something without confirming what is happening in their life. It may be something totally unrelated to the relationship, such as stress at work.

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If you need help communicating with your partner, no matter your communication style, reach out. Couples therapy can be a transformative tool that can help you learn new things about each other.