It’s that time again for another trip to your therapist’s office for a session of relationship therapy.
How many times have you and your partner been here? Ten, twenty, thirty or more?
Despite all your efforts, though, it seems as if you are just going around in circles and hitting dead ends. You feel really frustrated and angry that you’ve spent so much time and energy with counseling but nothing is getting better at all.
Now, you’re afraid that your relationship is on the brink of failure.
But what more can you do? Could it be that there is something that’s hindering the success of your relationship therapy?
Consider five possible factors.
1. It’s Not the Choice of Both of You
One big stumbling block to the success of relationship therapy is when the choice to go to counseling is not mutual.
Of course, there is that stereotype in heterosexual relationships that it’s usually the female partner who wants to go therapy and the male doesn’t. However, that’s a gross generalization, and it isn’t always that way.
The main problem often is, that if both partners are not invested in going to therapy, then it will be very hard to make progress. Instead, you’re both left at a dead-end, and it’s impossible to move forward. That’s why it’s important each of you is committed to participating in therapy.
2. You Don’t Have Clear Goals
Another hindrance to the success of relationship therapy is when the goals for treatment are not defined.
Let’s say you both are on board with going to therapy. Yet, you don’t have a clear idea of what you want to get out of the counseling sessions. Likely, it will feel like you’re spinning your wheels.
You don’t have to have a clear vision of what the final outcome will be. However, know at least what you hope to get out of the experience.
3. There’s Unresolved Trauma
When couples come in for relationship therapy, they may bring with them a lot of unresolved trauma from the past. Each partner may have issues related to previous emotional or relationship trauma that they have not fully processed.
For example, perhaps one partner is still struggling with the after-effects of physical abuse from when they were a child. Or the other partner was in a car accident last year and is still having trouble recovering from the experience.
If there is unresolved trauma, each partner needs to take a break from relationship therapy and engage in individual counseling, first. Only when the trauma has been addressed can both partners come back together for successful couples counseling.
4. You Feel Awkward
Let’s face it. Talking about the details of your relationship, as well as your feelings, with someone you hardly know is awkward.
A good therapist will certainly be aware that it isn’t always easy for people to talk to a counselor. And they likely will do their best to put you at ease. After all, this is what they are trained to do.
So, if you find yourselves at that first session squirming in your seats, be patient and give it time. Like with any relationship, whether it’s professional or personal, it can take time to get comfortable interacting with new people. However, don’t let your initial discomfort hold you back from ever engaging in couples counseling.
5. It’s Not the Right Fit
Sometimes the success or failure of relationship therapy lies with whether it’s the right fit for both of you.
It may be that the style of therapy that the therapist practices just isn’t your cup of tea. Or perhaps the therapist isn’t the right match either. Maybe there’s something about their personality that rubs you the wrong way. Of course, if neither of you is connecting with the therapist or their style, that makes it much harder for the therapy to be successful.
Don’t give up though! Try to find a therapist that will be the right fit for both of you.
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Relationship therapy is a process. Sometimes it’s a matter of working through personal issues that you bring to the table, such as establishing clear goals or working on processing past trauma. On the other hand, it may also be the therapist or their style that is a hindrance to successful relationship therapy.
If you’re running into any of these problems, don’t throw in the towel yet! Make the necessary adjustments so that you can both get the help you need.
HERE‘s where you can learn more about my approach to couples counseling.
