Of all the ways that a narcissist commits emotional abuse, invalidation is one that is particularly harmful. It is a vicious form of manipulation in which you are told that your emotions are not worth the time, energy, or space for consideration.
This at the heart of what narcissism is all about. To the narcissist, they are more important than everyone else. And emotional invalidation is meant to be used as a tool to gain control of you. That way you are subservient to the narcissist.
Recognizing this form of abuse for what it is and knowing how to avoid it is key for retaining and reclaiming your control.
Understanding Emotional Invalidation
As noted at the outset, emotional invalidation means someone discounts your thoughts, emotions, or feelings. For example, let’s say that you want to talk to your partner about something that’s bothering you about the relationship. Perhaps it’s not a major deal, but one where you believe a thoughtful discussion would be helpful.
But your partner might respond by:
- Avoiding having the conversation at all costs
- Ignoring you
- Telling you that your feelings don’t matter
- Saying that you are making things bigger than what they are
These instances of invalidation of your feelings can cause you to doubt yourself and lead you to actually believe what the narcissist is saying is true. That is—that your feelings really don’t matter at all.
But that’s absolutely false. Don’t believe it!
Why Narcissists Manipulate
There’s ultimately one reason why narcissists practice emotional manipulation: control. They are seeking to control you, which makes them feel powerful.
Make no mistake about it, with narcissism, the objective is to intentionally put you in a position where you are secondary to the wants, needs, and desires of the narcissist. But why would they do this?
Oftentimes people who seek out control do not have it in other areas of their lives. Perhaps they grew up not having any control. So, they seek it out at all costs through manipulating others. Of course, all people want and should have power and control over their lives. However, a narcissist wants to exert power over other people. And that’s very unhealthy.
What Narcissism Means for Relationships
It spells disaster, plain and simple.
Narcissistic people may struggle to form and maintain relationships. And the ones that they do form are typically unhealthy. One person is always putting themselves ahead of the other, and that’s not how healthy relationships work.
Healthy relationships are about working together as a team and forming a close emotional bond that is both mutual and equal. But a narcissist doesn’t want that kind of relationship at all.
How to Spot Narcissistic Behavior
If you suspect that your partner is practicing emotional invalidation, pay close attention to what they say and do.
Ask yourself:
- Are they able to balance their wants, needs, and desires with yours?
- Do you feel that you both work well as a team?
- When you are struggling, does your partner take time to listen?
- In which ways are they affirming towards you? Do they say “I’m proud of you” or “I love you”?
- Have they ever practiced any of the emotional invalidation techniques listed above?
Sometimes, narcissism is obvious, but in many other instances not so much. It might occur in casual conversations that barely register for you. Be attentive and do your best to make the connections. When you know what you’re up against, you can better deal with it.
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Emotional invalidation is painful and so very hurtful. It’s a vicious form of manipulation and emotional abuse that’s only meant to put you down. If you suspect that narcissism is a factor in your relationship, then consider seeking out professional support through individual counseling for yourself. And, if appropriate and safe, couples counseling together with your partner. Contact me to learn more.
