Online, it seems as though everyone loves to disagree. In real life, however, arguments and conflicts tend to carry more weight.

After all, it’s one thing to get involved in a social media flame war with a stranger. But fighting face-to-face with your spouse? That’s a completely different concept. The stakes are higher and the fallout is more impactful on your life.

For example, did you know that marital problems can worsen or cause depression? When a couple is not getting along, this situation can become a major factor in the development of depression. You might call it “fighting sad” instead of “fighting mad.”

Depression is More Than Feeling Sad

Everyone feels blue from time to time. Married couples often get upset with each other. This certainly creates periods of sadness. Depression, however, is a diagnosable mental health condition. It’s much more than feeling down. Depression is a disorder that manifests in different forms but, in general, leaves you feeling guilt and shame, intense sorrow, restlessness, physical aches and fatigue, and chronic worry. In more severe cases, you may experience:

• Social withdrawal
• Reckless behavior
• Hopelessness and worthlessness
• Thoughts of death and suicide

One of the most important factors in recovery? Understanding the causes of this condition. As stated above, all those problems you’ve been having with your spouse might be one of them. It can be a giant step on the road to recovery if you can both identify the connections.

Is Marital Conflict Fueling Your Depression?

Acting Out in Anger

Maybe you or your spouse (or both) react disproportionately to frustration or discomfort. Such aggression is not normal or healthy. It’s a sign that underlying factors are at play. Left unchecked, it can become emotionally abusive or worse. In some cases, acting out can take the form of self-harming behaviors like substance abuse or social isolation.

Hiding Behind Passive-Aggressive Tactics

You may choose to address your feelings in covert ways. Do you, for example, roll your eyes or grab your phone to make a vague social media post? Depression can leave you in a state where you avoid direct confrontation. The alternative is frequently passive-aggression.

Decreased Intimacy

This could mean your sex life. It could also mean other forms of intimacy like hand-holding, eye contact, and paying each other compliments. Roughly three out of four people with depression report a decreased sex drive. In other words, your fighting can cause depression. Depression leads to a lack of intimacy which, in turn, can exacerbate the fighting.

Anxiety Has Entered the Chat

When depression rears its ugly head, anxiety is usually not too far behind. Symptoms may include:

• Sleep disturbances
• Irritability
• Persistent worry
• Social withdrawal
• A need for constant reassurance

That last one can put even more pressure on your relationship. From there, the cycle starts again.

You Feel Your Problems Cannot Be Fixed

Does the thought of working on your marriage make you feel hopeless? Does the future lack any promise? Sure, in some cases, a marriage cannot be saved. But, when combined with any of the above signs, this feeling can be a depression red flag.

Getting the Help You Both Need

The dangerous cycle of conflict and sadness is not easy to decipher. But once you’ve begun to recognize that possible web of connections you can:

• Develop coping systems as individuals and a couple
• Seek out the support you need

Committing together to couples counseling is an excellent start. By working on your conflicts, you can also curtail the depression. However, if the depression has progressed, you must seek professional help for that specific disorder. Either way, you’ll need a skilled guide to help you navigate this winding road. Let’s work this through together. Please read more about couples counseling and contact me soon for a consultation.