Imagine some of the enduring friendships in your life. Why were they so impactful?
Was it because you both did the same things for fun, such as fishing or watching sports? Or did you each have similar career paths and worked at the same company?
Maybe all these aspects play a part in your friendships. Having something in common can certainly be important for establishing a connection with another person, especially at the start of a friendship.
However, the biggest difference between casual and lasting friendships is feeling understood by the other person.
How does this happen? Through effective listening skills.
Starting with the Five Most Important Listening Skills
There are five factors that have been identified as being really important for developing good listening skills. They were developed by family therapist Elizabeth Scott and include:
- Paying attention – When asking your friend a question, truly listen to their answer.
- Summarize and repeat back – Summarize what the other person has said and repeat it back to them. For example, “Sounds like you are really excited about this opportunity.”
- Get clarification – If you are unsure what your friend is feeling in a given situation, ask for clarification. You won’t look like an idiot. In reality, you are demonstrating that you are paying attention and care about what they have to say.
- Avoid making it about you – Oftentimes people will try to forge a connection with another by “relating” to them. But this means talking about yourself, instead of listening to your friend.
- Problem-solve – If they are facing a problem, work together to find a solution.
Understanding the Importance of Vulnerability
Besides listening skills, another important component to building lasting friendships is: vulnerability. Vulnerability is all about revealing more than just the things on the surface that you tell everybody.
Think of when you are attending a party and meeting someone for the first time. Usually, after learning each other’s names, it’s “What do you do?” After that, oftentimes, the conversation fizzles out. Or it continues, but each of you shares how “great” you are.
A true friend knows when you are hurting and is still willing to stick around. They care not just about the positive things in your life. Rather, they also are interested in supporting you during those difficult moments. But for them to do that, you have to be willing to tell them these things. And that is showing vulnerability.
Asking the Right Questions
Sometimes it’s all about asking the right questions to foster lasting friendships. The next time you see your friend, consider going deeper into a discussion. Ask a question that requires some thought, and some vulnerability too!
Keep in mind, you can start with a simple question, such as “How was your day?” However, ask follow-up questions afterward. For example, let’s say that your friend is doing well but had a tough day at work. Don’t just let the conversation die there. Be willing to follow-up and ask why.
Now, on the other hand, if your friend is very resistant and doesn’t want to go there, respect their space. Unless you are concerned about their safety, prying isn’t really going to help. Sometimes, it’s knowing how to strike a fine line between being curious and nosy.
Working with a Therapist to Develop Listening Skills
Obviously, many things go into forging lasting friendships, but using listening skills to seek to understand others is the first step.
If you are struggling with developing your listening skills, though, consider seeking the help of a therapist. A skilled therapist will be able to work with you to learn, understand, and practice better communication and listening skills. That way, you can create more meaningful connections with other people, and in turn, develop lasting friendships.
If you would like to know more how I can help you improve your communication skills, please feel free to reach out and contact me.
