Romantic connections can sometimes feel like a rollercoaster. There are highs and lows—moments where everything is great and moments where you are just over it all. Every couple, at some point, goes through just as many negatives as they do positives.

Relationships change over time, just like we do as individuals. This is an expected part of life as you deal with your personal lives. And sometimes, your problems outside of your relationship will inevitably trickle in and affect your connection. At one point, you likely felt a spark so intense that your sexual intimacy connection felt like it would never burn out. Once it slowly decreased, you still felt happy, understanding that things were really busy or stressful for one or both of you. But after some time, that spark may have completely dimmed into nothing.

Now, you don’t feel physically connected to your partner and do not know why. There are many reasons this could happen. However, one of the most common reasons is sexual performance anxiety. It might seem crazy to think that you would ever feel insecure with your partner when the flame was previously strong. It actually happens more than people think. This is sometimes known as sexual performance anxiety. Let’s talk through some ways to begin overcoming this if it affects your relationship.

3 Tips For Overcoming Performance Anxiety

1. Show yourself and your partner patience and understanding

When you are feeling anxious about something, thinking about it tends only to make it worse. This is especially true for sexual intimacy. If you are worried about disappointing your partner, you may get in your head too much. If you think about it too much or worry that you are performing badly, then chances are, it can only worsen the issue.

To start counteracting this, follow these few simple tips.

• Remember that your partner does want to be with you
• Breathe and remember that we are often our own worst critics
• Distract yourself from the worrisome thoughts by focusing on something positive instead

2. Practice Mindfulness

Remaining mindful of what is going on in our body and mind is important, no matter what we are talking about. This is especially true when it comes to sexual intimacy. What starts your negative thoughts when it comes to sex? Is it right before the act or in anticipation of it happening later that day? Do you find that one bad experience (with this partner or another) is causing you a lot of uncertainty or doubt? Being able to trace the steps of what gets your anxiety to spike is an important, reflective step to determining what causes anxiety in the first place.

3. Try Not To Focus Too Much On Your Appearance

This is perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of sex—our focus on our own appearance. When you look at your partner, you are likely in awe of their body. Maybe you can’t help but marvel at the way your partner’s body birthed your children. Or you look at your partner in awe of how well-toned they are in a demanding job. Or maybe you just love that they are like a teddy bear that makes you feel safe. But then think about yourself. If you notice what you perceive as your own flaws, that will likely be what you will assume your partner sees also. But we are our own worst enemies and critics when it comes to our physical appearance.

If you struggle to overcome performance anxiety and believe it is affecting your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to me for relationship issues or couples counseling. Together, I can help you overcome them to help you get back to yourself.