Aren’t you happy that your relationship is filled with so much loving conversation, insightful discussions, and supportive periods of verbal connection?
No? Well, isn’t it great then, that the long talks between you and your loved one are so often the bright spots of your hectic week?
Not really? Okay… well at least you must enjoy knowing that communication between the two of you is so easy and automatic that you hardly have to say anything at all anyway, right?
Sigh… Not so much, huh?
So, what does happen when you and your partner talk?
Looking back, can you pinpoint when you lost the ability to really hear and understand each other? And, more importantly, can you do anything to fix it?
Of course, you can! However, to repair communication problems, you’ll need to fill your relationship toolbox with the right tools first.
If things are quiet and uncommunicative, you aren’t going to fix things with avoidance or the silent treatment. Similarly, if things are contentious, you’re not going to improve communication with judgment or blame. An empty relationship toolbox, or a toolbox with all the wrong tools, won’t get the communication job done well.
So, what works?
Try these tried and true tools for building solid interaction and communication skills. They will shore up the foundation and structure of your most precious relationship and give you the confidence to approach each other. You’ll both feel better knowing you’ll share openly and still keep each other’s best interests in mind:
Relationship Tool #1. Assure your availability and intentionality.
In other words, show up physically and mentally. Time your talks well. Be where your partner is, unplugged and undistracted. Give freely your time, presence, and full attention.
Relationship Tool #2: Reconsider your first response.
Communication often goes awry in the first few moments of an interaction. If your partner initiates conversation, be honest, but not impulsive. Disrespect and resentment can slip in if we don’t choose our responses carefully. Be as aware as you can of how you are contributing to the tone of your communication.
Above all, be compassionate and kind. Remember that you love your partner, even if you feel disconnected or don’t share his or her opinion. Put the relationship before the need to be right or score emotional points. Or avoid conflict altogether. Make consideration and compromise your primary goals.
Relationship Tool #3: Engage with open ears.
You may actually have a lot to say and, once the ball is rolling, you might want to pour out your thoughts. All over your partner. But hold back a little. Try to share the floor more. Find out what your partner thinks and demonstrate that you’re interested in his or her perspective.
To be a good listener, try focusing on your partner in the following ways:
- Ask questions.
- Interpret your partner’s body language and tone.
- Sincerely pay attention and reflect back what you hear.
- Study your partner and gather information about what is meaningful to him or her
Relationship Tool #4: Let your body talk.
Sometimes you can foster better communication and emotional connection by forming a physical connection. It’s tough to avoid the person who just kissed your forehead or is empathetically stroking your arm. You‘ll probably want to linger in a conversation with the one weaving his or her fingers with yours.
Touching is communicating. Don’t underestimate its impact or the potential for bonding through close, attentive contact.
Relationship Tool #5: Learn communication skills from a qualified teacher.
Sometimes communication is just harder than it should be. Something keeps the walls up or keeps you from moving forward together. That’s a good time to call in a relationship therapist. They can help you deal with any baggage or barriers that stifle your ability to see, hear, and understand each other.
Counseling is often a wise, proactive move that can refill your relationship toolbox, revive loving interaction, and encourage emotional intimacy in areas you’ve left untouched or unresolved.
All in all, communication skills are honed brick by brick when you practice using your relationship tools routinely. Work diligently together and you’ll find that your tool box serves you well.
The work is worth the effort. And the communication skills you craft will provide solid support for your relationship and stand the test of time.
