If you have ever been in a relationship before, then you know that fighting is a normal part of it. You’ll never agree on everything 100% of the time, so you are bound to argue, disagree, and fight every now and then. But how much fighting is too much fighting? Should you be having lover’s spats all of the time, or is it time to call it quits?

What Is A Lover’s Spat?

A Lover’s Spat is a phrase many people use to refer to a squabble or small argument between a couple or between lovers. The actual spat itself is often due to something small or insignificant rather than an actual argument. This could be something minor or petty such as who has to do the dishes or whose turn it is to walk the dog. In most cases, the lover’s spat is over quickly with no real damage done, and things very quickly go back to normal without real consequences.

Everyone fights from time to time because we’re all individuals with different needs, desires, beliefs, and morals. These may not necessarily always align with our partner’s needs. But, how much fighting is normal?

How Much Fighting Is Normal?

It is very difficult to say how much fighting within a relationship is normal or average. However, it is important to note that all couples fight. Yes, there’s a honeymoon period in the beginning, but the more committed you are and the longer you have been together, the more likely you will fight.

That being said, if you find yourselves bickering and arguing over things every day, it can start to feel draining and bring you down. The secret to this question is how you fight, not how often you fight. 

Fighting can be good for relationships. It can help you strengthen your bond and find out how you need to adjust for the other’s needs. Maybe you need to work on yourselves and have a better relationship where everyone feels supported and understood. How often you fight is not always a good predictor of whether the relationship is working or not.  

In terms of how you fight, communication is key. As long as you are communicating, listening to one another, and giving each other time to talk and express yourselves, fighting can help you reach a new understanding.

However, it is problematic if you are criticizing one another and showing contempt or lack of respect for one another. The fighting is largely negative and unhelpful if you are becoming defensive and shutting down the argument. You may also feel that you are fighting because there is a disconnect between you and your partner. One of you may be highly critical of the other, or you may find that everything they do irritates you, and you argue most days. This often happens when your bond is strained.

Is It Healthy To Fight?

Fighting does not mean you are in a bad relationship, as fighting can be healthy for your relationship. The secret here is not how much you are fighting but how well you are fighting.

Problems arise if you feel angry, misunderstood, or unheard. If you and your partner are distant after an argument, that is a negative sign. It shows you are not communicating with one another effectively. Disagreements are productive if you feel emotionally safe, heard, and supported after a fight. It signifies that you can communicate effectively and work through your issues together.

If you are struggling in your relationship, reach out today for couple’s counseling or individual counseling. As a licensed therapist, I can help you see where communication breaks down and how to restore health to your relationship.