Jill didn’t want to be this way.
She really liked Bryan. And she was tired of getting in her own way.
Bryan’s description of her still rang in her ears.
Clingy. Jealous. Negative. Inappropriate.
She really wanted her relationship to work out this time.
But how can she ease the worries, fears, and insecurity that are making them both miserable?
First, she has to know what she’s wrestling with. And so do you, if you find yourself in the same anxious place. What’s going on?
Relationship anxiety.
So, what is Relationship Anxiety?
An offshoot of General Anxiety Disorder, relationship anxiety is fairly common. It is marked by a vacillating need to ensure your loved one makes you feel okay and secure, to a need to withdraw as a means of manipulation, ensuring your loved one will seek you out.
Symptoms include
- Extreme or overt jealousy
- Constant reassurance-seeking
- Emotional turbulence or impulsivity
- Excessive neediness or clingy behavior
- Tendency toward aloofness and disinterest
- Unpredictable, unreliable “push- pull” attitude toward loved ones
- Persistent testing of a partner’s or loved one’s affections and responsiveness
What factors contribute to Relationship Anxiety?
Generally, your past or your perceptions make healthy connections difficult.
Some of these factors may be increasing your concerns:
- Poor adolescent dating experiences
- Insecure infant or early childhood attachments
- Deeply affected self-esteem or self-loathing
- Fear of being vulnerable or intimate
- Fear of abandonment or rejection
These factors can cause you to question yourself.
A cycle of questioning the validity, quality, and durability of the relationship becomes an obsession, as well as the desire to control the person we care about. All in an effort to feel better, boost your confidence, and somehow create a relationship in which you can feel safe.
Is there any way to overcome Relationship Anxiety?
Controlling anxiety is more a matter of controlling what’s happening inside. It’s unrealistic and unproductive to expect your relationship partner to heal your mental and emotional state for you.
Take charge of your own healing. Try these basic strategies:
Why do you feel the way you do? Try to look at your relationship more objectively. Enlist the help of a therapist if necessary, especially if your relationship anxiety is an isolating pattern.
Stay in touch. Physical affection, even when it’s tough to do, goes a long way in keeping calm and connection foremost in your relationship. It’s a less demanding form of reassurance that works in a mutual and affirming way.
Ask more. Assume less. If your relationship track record is any indication, it stands to reason that you may want to be a bit more curious when it comes to your partner. Your anxious thinking patterns actually hinder understanding and communication. Ask more questions. Seek more clarification. What you perceive as rejection or disinterest may be something else less relationship threatening.
Rewrite your internal relationship script. Anxiety amplifies imagination. That reality combined with clingy codependence and low self-worth can lead to racing thoughts that stifle relationships. Imagined transgressions and offenses color your thoughts and confuse your communication. To overcome relationship anxiety, remain present and resist the urge to jump to dramatic conclusions.
Release reassurance. Give your loved one a break. Constantly seeking the validation and reassurance of your relationship partner is a surefire way to irritate and exhaust goodwill. Don’t add tension and distrust to your connection. Try to see the relationship as a safe place for both of you. Identify and address your partner’s needs and desires. Recognize that 100 percent certainty in any relationship is unlikely and an unworthy pursuit. Instead, try to focus on the adventure of well-developed independence and self-assurance. Your relationship will fare much better.
