It’s happened to you before. You’re relaxing with friends one evening after work. The conversation inevitably turns to relationships. And without thinking, you start talking about how frustrated you are with your partner over a recent blow-up.

Almost instantly after it happened, you regret saying anything at all. You love your partner deeply, but sometimes you speak before you think.

This isn’t uncommon. So don’t feel singled out. Many couples go back and forth with establishing relationship boundaries.

However, there are ways to vent in a productive way that lets you share your own business, not that of your partner.

Know Your Frustration Level

First, consider how frustrated you are with your partner, and how that might be perceived by others. Rate your frustration on a scale of 0-10. Zero means that you are not frustrated with your partner at all. A ten, of course, is the exact opposite.

Do a self-check. If you are leaning closer to ten rather than zero or one, then you might want to reconsider sharing anything at all. Remember it’s okay if you are frustrated or angry with your partner. But venting your frustration to your friends might not be the best decision for your relationship.

Stay Positive When Venting

If you do decide to talk about your partner with your friends, keep it positive. You can vent in a productive way by avoiding labeling or objectifying your partner. For instance, not calling them an inappropriate name.

Rather than talking about your partner negatively and crossing a relationship boundary, talk about the issue at hand. Keep in mind this is what’s really frustrating you. For example, perhaps your partner doesn’t listen as well as they could. So you could more easily talk about that then badmouthing your partner as a person.

Relationship Boundaries and Validation

Oftentimes relationship boundaries are crossed because we want to feel understood and heard. If we can’t get that validation from our partner, then we might be tempted to turn to friends. However, in the long-run, you really need to have that emotional connection with your partner.

So consider what your intentions are when talking to your friends about your relationship. When your intention is to seek validation and understanding, then it might be a good idea to hold off on saying anything at all. Go talk to your partner instead and create that connection and understanding with them.

Sex and Relationship Boundaries

Many people often trip up when talking about their partner and their sex life. Yet, this is a major relationship boundary that needs to be respected. Sex is a shared experience that really is none of your friends’ business.

When talking about your sex life with your friends, you are disclosing the most intimate moments about yourself and your partner. Those moments are important for building not just a stronger emotional connection with your partner but trust as well. Both you and your partner need to know that you can trust the other. When you can’t, then there is no stable foundation to build a relationship.

Using Therapy to Vent Productively

To vent in a productive way, it’s much more helpful to engage in therapy. That’s because there are different expectations in therapy than they are talking with your friends in a social setting.

In therapy, there is the expectation that everything is confidential and professional. This frees you to truly speak how you feel without fearing that you are crossing a relationship boundary. Additionally, a therapist can provide an unbiased perspective on your relationship struggles and work with you to find productive solutions.

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Everyone has made the mistake of crossing relationship boundaries. What’s important is that you learn how to vent in a productive way that does not betray the trust of your partner. When with your friends, it’s better to focus on yourself and share your own business.

However, if you are struggling with issues in your relationship, couples counseling can be a valuable outlet for your feelings and a source for solutions.