In the past, it used to be that marriages followed rather inflexible relationship rules.
Yet, those expectations didn’t really work to create a strong and supportive relationship. More often, couples struggled to create a loving bond under these constraints.
Today, relationship rules have completely changed.
If you are having trouble in your relationship, it might be because either one or both of you are still holding firm to the old rules.
If you wish to salvage your relationship, then it’s time to rise to the occasion and consider some new expectations. This includes participating in marriage counseling if needed.
Consider the following modern-day relationship rules that can salvage your marriage.
1. Know What You Really Want
Oftentimes couples get into arguments and fights because they are demanding things from their spouses. For example, they may say: “You need to step up and do more for this relationship!”
Here’s what’s wrong with that kind of expression:
- It’s vague and unclear
- The statement contains the word “need,” which puts all the burden on the other partner
- It implies that the person is not doing enough, which discounts any efforts they have made thus far
Instead, take some time to reflect on what you really want from your partner. Then, assertively make that request to your partner, such as: “I want us to make our relationship a priority and spend more time together.”
2. Avoid Reacting in Anger
In certain situations, it makes sense if you are angry at your partner. They may have done something that you felt was rude, insensitive, or hurtful. Yet, what good does it do to respond in anger? Does it help move things forward to make progress? Probably not.
As you’re reacting in anger toward your partner, it may help you feel that you are “getting back” at them for their unkindness. However, by reacting that way, they may in turn want to do the same to you. This back and forth, over time, erodes the foundation of your relationship and puts it in real danger.
Rather than give in and simply react in anger, take a moment to pause and feel your anger. Then, work towards expressing yourself in ways that are more positive and productive.
3. Weigh Complaining vs. Requesting
Along with avoiding anger, one of the new relationship rules includes making requests instead of complaining.
When you complain, the motives are similar to anger. In that moment, you are trying to get some need met. Generally, this is to feel validated and heard. But nobody likes to hear someone complaining all the time. Eventually, your complaints may fall on deaf ears or your partner could become numb to other issues that you bring up.
That’s why it’s better to make requests than to complain. For example, instead of saying, “You never take out the garbage,” you could say, “Would you please take out the garbage?” The latter addresses your request without the complaining inflection.
4. Remember to Listen
In order for you to salvage your marriage, it’s critically important that both of you start listening to each other. Really listen.
Listening empowers both of you to feel understood. That is a big issue when it comes to relationship conflicts. When neither of you feels like the other is listening, then it’s easier to discount or ignore one another.
When it comes to listening, remember to:
- Be calm and open to the conversation
- Face each other
- Keep body language in mind
- Summarize what your partner said
Start with small topics that feel safer to talk about. Build from there to expressing bigger issues to one another and take time to listen to what your partner is really trying to say.
5. Focus on Your Love
When working to salvage your marriage, one way to rise to the occasion is to stay focused on your love.
Do you remember the feelings you had when you first met? Have there been experiences that have brought you closer together over time? How can you continue that forward movement and allow that bond to grow?
The love and appreciation that you each have for one another can still be there, under the surface, despite any conflict you may encounter. Perhaps, it just needs to be rediscovered.
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Applying the aforementioned relationship rules can help couples, whether they are in marriage counseling or not, to forge a deeper and closer connection. However, if you are still having trouble resolving marital issues, consider participating in couples counseling.
I would enjoy being your guide to building a stronger relationship. Please, contact me today.
