You’ve both decided that it’s time to go see a couples therapist.
The bickering and fighting have reached the boiling point. Yet, neither of you is ready to throw in the towel. You genuinely love each other and want to make the relationship work.
That’s a courageous step! Asking for help isn’t easy.
However, when you go to a therapy session, you want to make sure that the couples counselor is doing their job. But how would you know?
If that question leaves you scratching your head, consider these ten crucial things to watch out for to be sure you’re in good hands.
1. Actively Directs the Conversation
It’s easy for two people during any discussion to veer off-track when talking to one another. One person has an idea that suddenly pops into their head or a topic transitions into something completely different after a while.
In couples counseling, this is an inefficient use of your time, at least, and potentially dangerous, at worst. A good couples therapist knows how to guide the discussion so that everyone can remain on-topic.
2. Knows How to Deal with Emotions
Of course, during a session, strong emotions can come up for either partner. In real life, these feelings can get out of control and hijack the conversation.
However, a couples counselor will be able to keep those emotions from dominating your session. That way you can both focus on the issues and not an emotional outburst.
3. Allows Everyone to Be Heard
A good couples therapist knows that both parties in couples counseling want to express themselves. You want to get what you have to say off your chest.
It’s liberating to feel that somebody “gets it” and understands you! And, thus, your therapist should make sure that you get the chance to be heard.
4. Explores Solutions Rather Than Dwells on Problems
In everyday life, it’s easy to focus on the problems in your life. They stand out in stark contrast to anything positive. Yet, this isn’t very effective when trying to move forward.
Instead, your couples counselor should be able to help you both explore potential solutions. After all, you’re in session to resolve things, not to dwell on them.
5. Teaches You How to Listen
With all good communication comes effective listening. However, you’d be surprised how hard it can be to develop that skill. Listening is a critical component to any relationship.
A couples therapist is not only well-practiced in listening, they also know how to teach this skill to others. This will be helpful for both of you as you seek to improve your relationship.
6. Coaches the Right Way to Express Yourself
On the other hand, communication also requires effective techniques for expressing yourself. For example, do you find yourself telling your partner “You always do…” or “You make me feel…”? These expressions are not very helpful and usually only make situations worse.
Your couples therapist should coach both of you to use “I” statements. These type of expressions put the emphasis on how you feel instead of what your partner does. For example, “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to me.”
7. Creates Structure for the Session
You want to make sure that your time in session is being used wisely. After all, you only have an hour or so to work with.
Part of the therapist’s job is creating structure for the session. It can be as simple as asking what you want to achieve with today’s session. That helps keep things in focus and pointed towards a certain direction.
8. Knows How to Ask the Right Questions
Sometimes we just need a good question to nudge us in the right direction. It allows us to explore new avenues of thinking or options we haven’t considered before.
Asking good questions is both an art and a skill, and your therapist should be well-versed in its practice.
9. Reminds You of What You Did Right
You may feel that the point of therapy is to always be talking about your mistakes. That’s why oftentimes people resist going. Who wants to talk about their failures all the time?
However, a good couples therapist will know it’s important to talk about successes as well. For example, did you both implement a strategy that you discussed last week? What happened? These are good reminders about the progress you’re making.
10. Offers Hope for the Future
When you’re in therapy, it can feel like everything’s hopeless. Let’s face it, many have been in a very dark place in their therapeutic journey, some for a long time.
The therapist should know your individual situation and probably has seen similar circumstances before. They will know that you do not just need to know the hard truth, but that you also need hope for the future. After all, hope is motivating.
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Practicing therapy is like any other profession. It takes time and skill to master. A good couples therapist will have a solid understanding of therapeutic principles. And, to be effective, they need to know how to strike the balance between many different issues.
If you and your partner need help with your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapeutic professional for couples counseling. I would enjoy being able to help you.
