“Why on earth are they still seeing each other?”
At some point, just about everyone has known a couple that made them wonder why they are still together. They constantly fight and bicker with each other, even in public. And personality-wise they are polar opposites of each other.
Everything about them just screams that they are not a good fit for each other and should call it quits.
Yet, they stay together.
Why?
It turns out there are many reasons why unhappy couples may choose to stay together. Often, they do so for reasons you might not realize.
In other words, there’s more going on than meets the eye.
Unequal Power Dynamics
Oftentimes in these kinds of relationships, there exists an unequal balance of power.
Instead of both partners seeing each other as equals in the relationship, one partner has more power over the other. And the partner who holds most or all of the power is the one who is often in control of many of the decisions in the relationship.
For example:
- Makes decisions regarding money
- Determines how to raise the children
- Plans vacations and trips
- Knows where to find all of the important documents, user ID’s, and passwords
The partner with less power is subservient to the controlling partner and often feels the need to rely on them completely. However, this power imbalance can also cause resentment.
Resentment and Anger
If such an imbalance exists in the relationship, the powerless person often comes to resents the other partner for their power and the control that they have. Yet, at the same time, they do not try to reach out to their partner to find parity. Instead, they hold on to that anger and let it simmer underneath the surface.
Unfortunately, that anger can’t stay hidden forever. Eventually, it will come out somehow. One way this occurs can be through substance use. Another is trying to escape through work or other distractions.
However it manifests, it’s interesting to note that the powerless partner doesn’t direct their anger by traditional means, such as letting loose in a rage or fit. And thus, the relationship goes on, despite the negative feelings.
Unhealthy Beliefs
Another reason why unhappy couples often remain together is that one partner, usually the powerless one, has unhealthy beliefs about their own self-worth and value.
Looking in from the outside, you’d think that the powerless partner would eventually have enough and leave the relationship. Yet, many people with low self-esteem and self-worth choose to remain because, for some reason, they believe that they deserve the treatment that they receive.
Usually, it has taken years or even decades for these beliefs to form and become rooted. And while the powerless partner plays their part in the situation, it’s important to note that they did not choose their misery. Their partner’s actions also play into the matter, as they are responsible for their behavior.
Understanding these (although unhealthy) beliefs does provide context as for why someone would choose to stay in an unhappy relationship, even when things are really bad.
Other Reasons for Remaining Together
Some other reasons why unhappy couples remain together include:
- Financial issues
- Religious beliefs
- Doing it for the sake of the children
- Having already spent years or even decades together
These may seem like acceptable reasons for choosing to stay close together. Yet, all this does is keep partners stuck in a relationship that is not healthy, loving, or affirming.
What Can Be Done to Help Unhappy Couples?
Unhappy couples have a lot going against them. If you’re in this situation and compelled to stay together for some reason, you might not realize that there’s more than meets the eye. And it’s important to find out what issues are at play.
Therefore, if you truly want to change and have a more loving relationship, then couples therapy needs to be your priority.
A word of caution, though. Therapy will work best if both partners are willing to put in the effort to improve the situation. Oftentimes, it’s just one partner that is invested, while the other feels they are being dragged along to therapy. That situation is less than ideal.
Yet, if you genuinely want to improve your situation, therapy can make all the difference. Please, contact me or read more about my approach to couples counseling by clicking HERE.
