We all want to be liked. It’s more than simply enjoying one another’s company. It’s affirmation, a signal that we matter. That we belong. However, many people go about trying to be liked in an actually harmful way. They actively seek approval from others. That’s how external validation works.

But there’s a problem there. External validation doesn’t actually help you feel that you belong. Rather, it feeds into the fear that you don’t. It can actually give rise to emotional problems like depression and anxiety. Especially when the validation you were hoping for never happens.

Consider further how external validation may be feeding your depression, and what to do about it.

The Existence of External Validation

Everyone has a story of either being the person seeking validation or knowing someone who did. What’s the perfect period for this phenomenon to gel? Adolescence. Middle and high school were perfect incubators for approval-seeking and external validation. How?

• Often teens want to belong to a larger or specific group of teens (cliques).
• Teens often to be recognized by the team or school body as special in some way.
• Teens sometimes seek praise and affirmation from teachers for academic work

In essence, from early on, we want to get a pat on the back. We want to be told “job well done!” or “you’re special enough” to be with. But for some, that desire becomes a need or fixation. Why? Because they believe that validation will help fill an emptiness inside.

How External Validation Feeds Your Depression

When you are depressed, it’s common to feel hopeless and even worthless.

This is more than simply having low self-esteem. Rather, it’s a belief that there is fundamentally something undesirable or wrong with you. That sense of shame is powerful and damaging. To cope, you seek out validation from others to counter that belief.

When a bit of validation is offered, you might say, “See, people do like me!” or “Whew, I am enough!” After all, if they didn’t, they wouldn’t give you that attention. However, this puts you on an endless emotional treadmill. You never feel quite complete, you never quite catch up to a feeling of contentment and approval. Consequently, your need for validation keeps you running after for the next thing to fulfill it.

The Trouble with Social Media

The treadmill is just a metaphor. But a real-life example of this anxious need for social reassurance would be social media activity. Social media feeds off external validation. Whenever you make a post online, you might feel good about yourself. That act alone is validating. Then, as the likes and comments pour in, you feel even more validated.

You likely feel affirmed that your post was appreciated by others. As a result, this translates into you feeling personally  “liked.” However, the high from that posting fades quickly as viewers turn their attention elsewhere. Your mindset quickly returns to feeling unnoticed, low, sad, and even depressed. So, you keep posting, checking your feed, and seeking the “high” of external validation, no matter how temporary.

When Things Backfire

One key danger regarding social media and external validation is that things can backfire on you quickly. What happens if your post causes people to react negatively? Can you handle the criticism? Even, if it’s just one disapproving comment, you likely don’t see it that way. To you, disapproval may feel catastrophic. Those messages actually confirm what you really feel, deep down inside. Nobody likes you or that you are somehow undeserving of or unable to maintain relationships.

Countering External Validation and Depression

Are wondering what to do about this problem? The answer is both simple and complicated at the same time. The key? Build internal validation. This is the ability to affirm for yourself that you matter and are worthwhile, regardless of anyone else’s opinion.

Getting there, however, is hard, especially if you have relied on external validation for a long time. Still, it’s possible if you have help. Professional counseling can help you get to the root of your need for external validation. Additionally, a therapist can empower you to find and create the inner strength and resources that you need for a positive self-image.

If you’re ready to fuel your own happiness and wholeness, let’s work together on finding validation within yourself. I’m here to help. Please contact me today to learn more about how depression treatment works.