How many times have you grown irritated, frustrated, or even fearful because you can’t be or become who someone else imagines you should be?
You may be experiencing what’s called the “fear of man.”
Not the fear of men… that’s something else!
This is an overriding concern with what people are thinking or saying about you. You spend inordinate amounts of time bending over backward to please or be pleasing.
If you’re living this way, it may be time to claim your life for yourself.
It’s okay. It isn’t selfish or inappropriate.
Happiness will not be found at the bottom of anyone’s totem pole, especially not your own.
Living life driven by the fear of man is stifling and stressful, and it only exacerbates your own low self-esteem.
Even though it gives you a momentary rush to receive approval, an authentic, joyful, connected life is nearly impossible if you live it for the pleasure of other people alone.
To learn how to break free of the fear of man, redeem your self-worth, and live free of the constant need for validation, you’ll need to embrace some key concepts and strategies:
1. Cultivate awareness.
You’ve probably been “fearing man” a long time. It’s a habit, maybe even an addictive tendency, to weigh everything you do against popular opinion, peer appreciation, or possibly social media acceptance before you feel okay enough to do your own thing.
To break free, try to pay attention to yourself rather than what you think other people are thinking. What triggers the fear-based response? What underlying view of yourself are you tuned into? What past experience informs you or says who you are or what you think does not stand on its own? Journaling, talk therapy, and a practice of mindfully noticing your circumstances, feelings, and physical sensations help locate the need to overly concern yourself with what other people think of you or want you to do.
2. Speak well of yourself inwardly and speak up for yourself outwardly.
When you “live to please” you likely tell yourself things to make that okay. The inner dialogue is likely…
- Self-devaluation or lack of adherence to your own principles.
- Self-sacrifice or putting your needs on the back burner.
- Self-minimization or downplaying what matters to you.
You essentially lose your voice. Instead, speak the truth to yourself and others.
You do count. You can tell others “no” and “not interested.”
What matters to you is important. What others think is not your primary concern. Try your voice, it deserves to be tested. Disapproval and disagreement are okay. Embrace the fact that someone may not like any of your positions. Things don’t have to be confrontational, contentious, or even upsetting, though you may experience some anxiety as you change the way you relate to people. Ride out the discomfort by reminding yourself that you are learning to live your own life.
3. Distinguish serving mankind from the fear of man.
Worriedly living your life the way others expect is not the same as engaging with others out of generosity or goodwill.
Breaking the chains of social pressure, people-pleasing, and low self-esteem to live your own life is about being genuine, not selfish, inconsiderate, or lazy. It isn’t genuine or healthy to live in a state that leaves you feeling manipulated or second-tier. Choose to serve others and engage them on your terms, you’ll feel more empowered and less discounted or used.
4. Get some expert help.
Breaking chains always requires the right set of tools. The resource you may need to help you put those tools together is a compassionate, encouraging therapist. He or she can help you build a toolbox of personal evaluations, interpersonal communication skills, and goal setting techniques that help you understand yourself and relate to others authentically.
You may find it is a wonderful mental boost to have someone who values your desire to be who you really are and encourages that end with nothing but your happiness in mind.
Your therapist will help you…
- Erect healthy boundaries and stick to them.
- Do the things you enjoy and practice self-care.
- Treat yourself with compassion and respect.
- Understand and address your insecurities.
Push the “fear of man” aside.
Learn to embrace your own needs and wants without worry or guilt.
Living your own story is your responsibility and your right. Accept both with the appropriate amount of effort and persistence and soon you will love people well and live your own life fully.
