Take a moment to consider your friendly neighborhood narcissists.

Whoever they are.

Your barber. Your boss. Your best friend’s mom. Your actual neighbor.

Imagine the conversation you’re likely to have with him or her the next time you run into each other. He or she may say things like:

“Hey, look what I bought… it’s so much classier than yours,” or

“Don’t I look good in this? I love the way I look in designer labels,” or

“Did you hear about the cool thing I did, place I went, person I date, award I won…?”

Now. Try to listen more closely to that narcissist.

If you can, push aside the “blah, blah, blah, me, me, me” to hear what’s really going on.

Can you hear it?

It’s a little kid behind the big talk.

Pulling on your pants leg, jumping up and down. Doing cartwheels.

Trying to impress you.

Then trying to prove to you he’s too cool, too rich, too successful to try to impress you. Trying to show you how big his “hands” are… while insisting he has nothing to prove.

All that bravado? It’s covering a really needy kid. An often difficult, self-absorbed kid.

But a needy kid all the same.

Did you know that all that over-the-top bluster and self-congratulation, too, are likely just a front for some really interesting things going on in his or her brain?

Let’s look closer at why narcissists aren’t really confident bearers of impossibly high self-esteem (no matter how much they claim it), but quite the opposite:

Narcissists are actually neurologically needy.

Research suggests that structural differences in the brain appear to accompany narcissism in many people. Brain scans seem to confirm it. Essentially, self-esteem problems in narcissists may actually be a matter of biology.

A recent study, led by David Chester at the University of Kentucky at Lexington, investigated the idea. The low self-perception narcissists are constantly trying to cover is thought to result from real, observable connectivity problems in the brain.

The following two regions of the brain are of primary concern:

• The ventral striatum, which is reward oriented.

• The medial prefrontal cortex, which is related to your sense of self.

Brain scans indicate that narcissists experience a degree of “neural disconnect” between these two regions. The scans reveal that the more narcissistic traits a person exhibited the less connectivity between the brain regions occurred. Whereas, people who experience a stronger link between the regions clearly have higher, more stable self-esteem.

Researchers believe that all the bravado we see in politicians, hip-hop music stars, and our actual neighbors, might really be attempts to regulate and overcome some level of neural insufficiency.

In addition to this neurological neediness, narcissistic people tend to exhibit physiological reactions to stress that indicate a strong emotional defensive tendency as well.

Narcissists are socially needy too.

Weak brain connections to the ventral striatum can lead to difficulty coming up with self-affirming or rewarding thoughts easily. Dr. Chester referred to this as “internal deficit in self-reward connectivity.”

The bragging and jockeying for top-billing many narcissists do is probably an effort to manage that deficit; soon, the social competition/attention-seeking becomes a way to seek comfort and affirmation.

Some research also indicates that stressful or challenging events create stronger than average physiological response in narcissists, as well. High levels of stress hormones are often present in narcissists, undermining the sense of strength and indifference these people try to purport. The bravado acts as a distraction and a way to hide their insecurities and poor self-esteem.

It’s true, the bravado of narcissists drives the rest of us crazy sometimes.

But now we know, he or she likely has some serious stuff going on inside.

Compensation for weak brain connections and low self-regard just looks like bravado and over-confidence to those listening and watching from the outside. Fortunately, science provides a bit more context, and maybe some compassion, for the braggy, big-talking narcissist in your life.