Researcher Kristen Neff has discovered something life-changing about culturally predominant beliefs regarding success, self-improvement, and self-criticism: beating yourself up actually prevents you from doing your best and from doing the most. Chances are good that you were led to believe productivity meant comparing yourself to others and holding yourself to an ever-higher standard. Maybe you’ve concluded that the only train headed toward the best version of you is a record of all the ways in which you’re not “good enough.”

Neff believes the opposite—and she has the evidence to back it up. Beating yourself up is less likely to spur you to productive action and is more likely to leave you feeling pretty blue. If you’re always holding onto the mistakes you’ve made or the things you wish you would’ve done, your confidence takes a huge hit. Moreover, self-criticism can dramatically increase your stress levels.

So now that you know leaving emotional self-battery behind can make you more effective, more confident, and less stressed, how can you get started?

1. Be kind to yourself

If you think of yourself in the same way you think of a close friend, it becomes easier to see how unfair your self-perceptions can sometimes be. You might let your friend of the hook for the same thing you’d heap criticism onto yourself for doing.

For example, occasional overeating is okay when a friend does it, but when you overeat, you might see it is a fatal lack of self-control. So next time you eat a little too much ice cream, have a glass of water and allow yourself time to digest. In time you might see that there wasn’t really much to condemn in your actions.

2. Ask why you did something before beating yourself up

In the same way that bullies and movie villains can sometimes win you over when you understand the pain they’re feeling or personal losses they’ve experienced, acknowledging that a self-defeating action makes sense and deserves sympathy can help you see yourself in a happier light.

Instead of calling yourself heartless for a hurtful remark made to a friend, ask what made you say it in the first place. Maybe you were having an especially bad day, or you were feeling particularly insecure around a friend who seems to have it all together. Considering your motivations can help you give real credit to the feelings you might be pushing down.

3. Start small

If you say something you think is foolish in a meeting at work, a predominant pattern of self-criticism can cause you to believe there’s something inherently wrong with you. When imperfect moments don’t define how you see yourself, you’ll be less likely to be paralyzed by fear and self-doubt and more likely to be able to take action.

If you spent too much money, start by taking a few minutes to set up a budget. If you feel guilty for not calling your parents enough, set up a time once a week to chat for ten or fifteen minutes. Rather than dwelling on what a misstep means about you, take a small step forward and move on.

4. Consider the good before turning to self-criticism

No matter how few mistakes you make in life, you’ll always find something you think could be different if you’re constantly searching for imperfection. Self-doubt encourages you to dwell on and inflate small missteps. Poke a hole in the negativity balloon; what have you done today that you’re proud of? What do you like about yourself? In truth, spending too much money doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, and avoiding a work project to do something fun doesn’t mean you’re lazy.