If you hear the word codependency, what comes to mind? For most, it is the dependence people can develop on substances such as alcohol or drugs. While that is true, there is another type of codependency. In this case, we are referring to the codependent relationships we have with romantic partners, friendships, or even with family members.

With any relationship, romantic or otherwise, there should always be a balance between being the giver and receiver. At times, of course, we may need to give more to the other person. For the most part, however, there should be a healthy balance. In codependent relationships, this balance does not exist. Typically, one person will spend their time and energy trying to please and attend to the other person. Meanwhile, the other person will take advantage of this and use it as a power play.

If it seems improbable that this type of relationship could exist within a marriage, unfortunately, it isn’t at all. Here are a few ways to spot the signs of codependency in a marriage.

Is There a Fear of Abandonment?

It’s normal and healthy to want to spend time with your partner. There is nothing wrong with missing each other when you are apart, after all. However, if either of these things is done excessively, it could mean that codependency is present. One telltale sign of this is if either partner goes crazy if there is any gap in communication throughout the day—regardless of what the other person has going on throughout the day. Another classic sign is if there is an extreme fear of splitting up from their partner.

Does One Partner Have Low Self-Esteem?

Having low self-esteem doesn’t always mean that there is codependency in a relationship or marriage. However, if one partner constantly relies on the other partner for validation about their appearance or decisions, this could be a clear indicator.

Self-esteem goes far beyond the confidence we have in our appearance. It also dictates how confident we are in making decisions on our own. Codependent relationships often look like one partner relying heavily on the other person to help them make their decisions, no matter how small of a choice it may be.

Does One Partner Constantly Play the Role of the Caretaker?

We should always want to take care of the emotional and physical needs of our partners. However, does it seem like this role is one-sided? If one partner is always the giver and provider, while the other always receives, the relationship is out of balance.

This results in an imbalance in the marriage that is not healthy. Sometimes, the person playing the role of caretaker does this in hopes that it can change the other person. Which just creates a frustrating experience when no amount of attending to the other person results in a change.

Is One of You Constantly Anxious?

It’s normal for most of us to feel anxious. However, if one person is experiencing a lot of anxiety in regard to the relationship, it can be a sign of codependency. This often looks like one partner constantly questioning the other person’s motivations or doubting whether or not they are faithful. It can also cause extreme nervousness at just the thought of being away from a partner for too long or even being around other people without them.

How To Get Help

While dealing with a codependent marriage is frustrating, that doesn’t mean these types of behaviors can’t be unlearned. In fact, as long as both partners are willing to work on their marriage, codependency doesn’t have to remain in the marriage.

Reach out to me for couples or marriage counseling to get your relationship back to a healthier place.