couples therapyEmotional intelligence has come into the spotlight in recent years. Career advice tells us that emotional intelligence, or your EQ, is pivotal to success. Parenting books discuss how parents can help children become more self-aware. Couples note that partners can experience marked relationship satisfaction.

What is emotional intelligence? 

Renowned relationship expert John. M. Gottman once noted, “The more emotionally intelligent a couple — the better able they are to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage — the more likely they will live happily ever after.” But what is emotional intelligence exactly?

Emotional intelligence (EQ) was a term coined by two researchers named Peter Salavoy and John Mayer. A book called Emotional Intelligence by Dan Goleman then brought the idea into the mainstream. The term defines the ability to recognize and process our emotions and also understand how to see and influence the emotions of another person.

Is Your EQ High?

Everyone can learn emotional intelligence. It’s a set of skills, not an inborn ability. The key to learning how to regulate your emotions is to understand your starting point. Consider this:

  • Someone with a high EQ is very in-tune with their emotions. They recognize these feelings as they experience them and understand how to manage them. They also have a good idea of how the people around them are feeling. 
  • Someone with a low EQ often doesn’t understand why they feel the way they do and are largely unable to process their emotions. 

There are ways for you to assess your own emotional intelligence. It’s as simple as gauging your ability with certain skill sets. 

How to Gauge Your EQ

Increasing your emotional intelligence is a matter of practice. These characteristics can help you be a better leader and feel more confident in yourself. Assessing how much ease you have with these abilities during your everyday life is a great way to understand your EQ:

Self-awareness

This is a foundational piece of emotional intelligence. It allows you to look at your emotions from an objective point of view. Self-awareness is the primary skill you use when trying to understand why you’re feeling a certain way. Once you understand why you feel a certain way, you can respond rather than react. Signs that you are self-aware are:

  • A well-rounded emotional vocabulary
  • Understanding yourself as a whole person
  • Largely present instead of focusing on past or future

Managing the emotion

Someone with a high EQ understands the triggers for their anger, frustration, happiness, or sadness. Knowing why they feel that way lets them better manage their emotions and steer themselves toward a positive outcome. Examples of behaviors that show emotional regulation are:

  • Not easily offended
  • Giving without expecting 
  • Unlikely to “blow their top”

Recognizing another person’s emotions

An emotionally intelligent person can recognize someone else’s emotional state through verbal and nonverbal communication. They have developed a practice of active listening and meaningful engagement with others. It’s not only a show of empathy but is also sometimes an ability to help others navigate through difficult emotions. Signs of a high EQ with a deep understanding of empathy are:

  • Ability to handle toxic people, either through ending communication or keeping their emotions in check despite a difficult person
  • People with a high EQ are often said to be “an excellent judge of character”
  • Listens more than they talk

Positively handling relationships

With this interpersonal skill, people motivate, inspire, and align themselves with others while also maintaining a positive sense of self. People with a high EQ often help other mediate win-win solutions during an argument. This is a skill that earns them the title of “strong leaders.” Someone who can positively handle relationships will:

  • Openly display empathy
  • Face negative situations instead of avoiding them
  • Develop trust and rapport easily

If you’re reading this list of characteristics and feel you’re lacking, you are not alone.

What’s Next?

Finally,  it’s important to know that a high EQ comes with practice. Two of the most important solutions for a low EQ are developing self-awareness and healthy coping mechanisms. You and your partner can both do this with the help of a professional therapist. Please read more about couples therapy and contact me soon for help.